A Son's Responsibility After Marrying: Mother or Wife?

A man's shoulders actually bear a very great responsibility when a head of household is obliged to provide for his family. However, a big question arises: what is the priority in providing maintenance if a man still has parents who need care? 

Between parents and wife, which should be given priority? 

It should be noted regarding the question above that Islam provides guidance on the order of maintenance according to priority. Let's begin with a hadith of Rasulullah SAW narrated by Jabir RA, 

بْدَأْ بِنَفْسِكَ فَتَصَدَّقْ عَلَيْهَا ، فَإِنْ فَضَلَ شَيْءٌ فَلِأَهْلِكَ ، فَإِنْ فَضَلَ عَنْ أَهْلِكَ شَيْءٌ فَلِذِي قَرَابَتِكَ ، فَإِنْ فَضَلَ عَنْ ذِي قَرَابَتِكَ شَيْءٌ فَهَكَذَا وَهَكَذَا

Meaning: “Begin maintenance with yourself. If there is a surplus, give it to your family. If there is still a surplus, give it to your closest relatives, and if there is still a surplus, give it to them and so on.” – Narrated by al-Bukhari (6763) and Muslim (997). 

According to the hadith above, this indicates that a son must prioritize providing for his wife and children first. Unless there is an emergency situation affecting his mother, then it must be given to her. 

According to Religious Officer Ustaz Wadi Anuar, a son must fulfill his responsibility towards his wife without neglecting his mother. 

“Wife first, without neglecting the mother. This is because a husband must provide maintenance for his wife. Whereas, the mother is out of devotion. So, maintenance needs to be prioritized. 

This officer also stressed that this issue needs to be addressed in more detail, based on a specific situation. 

Furthermore, according to the book Nailul Authar, Imam al-Syaukani mentioned that maintenance for the family remains obligatory even if the head of the family falls into poverty, while maintenance for parents is only obligatory if the child is capable. The scholars have agreed on the obligation to prioritize maintenance for the wife and children before parents. 

Additionally, according to the Mufti of the Federal Territories, scholars have stated that a son is not obliged to provide maintenance for his parents, except in the following two circumstances: 

1. His parents are poor and in dire need of assistance.

2. A child who has surplus wealth after providing maintenance for his family, and both these conditions are agreed upon by the scholars. 

Furthermore, in the book al-Fiqh al-Manhaji, if the number of ascendants (usul), descendants (furu'), and other parties requiring maintenance is large, and his own surplus is insufficient to provide for all of them, then he must prioritize his own needs, giving priority in the following order: 

1. Wife - Maintenance for the wife is an absolute obligation and does not cease with the passage of time. This differs from maintenance for ascendants (usul) and descendants (furu') which can cease with the passage of time, as has been explained. 

2. Young children - This includes adult children who are not sane (insane), as they are unable to work and require maintenance. 

3. Mother - Maintenance for the mother is obligatory because she is unable to work, and her rights have been established due to her significant roles such as conceiving, giving birth, breastfeeding, and raising children. 

4. Father - The father has great merit towards the family, and his rights must be protected.

5. Adult but poor child - An adult child who is poor also has the right to maintenance due to the close relationship with their father, which carries its own merit.

6. Grandfather and above - Maintenance for the grandfather is to honor him, just like a grandfather. The grandfather is the origin of the lineage, and his rights must be preserved. 

In conclusion, maintenance for the wife should be prioritized. However, if the parents are unable to obtain medicine, treatment, and food and drink which are basic necessities of life, then priority must be given to them so that their lives can continue. 

In such situations, it is important for there to be harmony and understanding among all children. Every child must jointly bear the responsibility to care for, assist, and serve their parents. This way, the burden will not fall on one child alone, while others shirk their responsibility.

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